Joel and Grant left again this afternoon. They will be staying in Chilliwack tonight at Gramma's house cause RM House is full tonight. Their room will be available for them again on Monday. On Monday Joel has blood work done again. He was sent home again last week cause his counts were way too low to start treatment (ANC .35). His counts on Friday were still low, the ANC was .63 and it needs to be .75 to start treatment.
It was nice to have him home, the house felt kind of normal again. Joel was able to go to youth group and see all his friends. He was asked to speak to the kids about what he has been going through and answer some of their questions. Joel said he was nervous but he thought it went well.
It is hard letting Joel out when he is home. He is 17 and is at the age when he should be becoming more independent and making his own choices. He has had so many things taken away from him and I don't want to restrict him anymore. At the same time, his white cell counts have been so low that he is at a very high risk for any kind of infection. Driving and spending time with his friends lifts his spirits immensely and makes him feel human again but I still wonder if it is safe. How on earth do you tell your seventeen year old "no, you cannot go to church".
I also struggle with wanting to control things.
When Joel was young, he had no fear. As soon as he could crawl he would climb up and over anything. He fell everyday, always had bumps and bruises. Once when he was fishing, he fell off the bank and into the river. I not only worried for him but I worried for the health and welfare of my heart and as well as my sanity. When he was around 6 years old, Grant took him up to Silverstar and taught him how to snowboard. Joel would ride up on the chairlift; position himself at the top of the hill, and ride straight down as fast as he could. I could not watch and I would cringe to hear about it later.
When he was around 2 years old and climbing over everything, I vividly remember praying one day and saying to God “I can’t do this anymore. He is yours….. You take care of him and protect him cause I can’t do it!!!!!!” I immediately felt peace. I was still there to catch him when he would climb and fall but my heart no longer jumped wildly in my chest. I still had misgivings and I still worried but I accepted the fact that I couldn’t control everything.
Now Joel has a huge battle to fight and I feel helpless once again. I cannot control his blood counts, how he will react to the chemo, or if his treatment needs to be delayed. I often think back to the prayer I prayed when he was a toddler. I still worry and stress but I also feel peace. I still have to remind myself. I am not in control and I am not supposed to be. God is, and he does a much better job.
P.S. I am not rude. I just don't know how to respond to comment yet. I need my super smart sister to teach me how…. hint, hint…. Wendy…. are you out there?
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